Lockdown can be a lonely, emotionally draining, confusing, boring and scary time and that’s for us as adults. What’s it like for kids? What’s going on in their tiny little heads? Some are too small to tell us, some cannot find the words and some simply do not want to. Kids are resilient. That is a fact and fingers crossed this time in their lives, if they are old enough to remember, will be one that simply happened and did not leave a lifelong scar. Ok, we can’t do the things we and they are used to doing and they do not have the midweek outlets of school and nursery, but what we can do is not disrupt their home life by keeping things as structured as possible and providing emotional support to children during lockdown.
We are in no way child psychologists. However, we are parents to two adopted children who have themselves been put through the wringer during their formative years, yet are now resilient, strong, independent individuals who have overcome a chaotic start to life. Therefore, we understand the need for stability and routine, especially during times of uncertainty. During our journey to adoption, we attended numerous courses and read numerous books about the child psyche and what we can do as caregivers to elevate stress and anxiety to help them feel safe and secure. Therefore, here’s what we have been doing for and with our children during lockdown, we hope it helps if you are struggling with your own kids.
Explain What’s Going On
Children aren’t stupid, we’re sure you’ve worked that out quickly if you are a caregiver. They also have insane memories and remember the smallest details about the most random things. Therefore, we have found it’s important, to be honest with our kids. From their adoption through to the current COVID-19 situation. Obviously, we do not speak to them the same way we talk to our friends and family, but we do speak to them in age-appropriate ways.
We call the virus ‘the germs’ and the reason that we cannot see family and friends or go to school or the park or beach is because the germs are outside and we need the germs to ‘shoo away’ before we can. They seem on board with it and we intermittently get asked ‘have the germs shooed away yet?’. We can’t wait until the day we can tell them it has.
Switch Off The News
We had a habit of putting the news on first thing in the morning while we made and ate breakfast. Also at 5 o’clock for the daily press conference which also happens to coincide with the kid’s tea time. We, as adults, wanted to keep up with developments, facts and statistics. Our thirst for knowledge was being quenched by Sky News.
Unfortunately, we initially did not consider the impact it may be having on the kids and what they were picking up from it. The words hospital, illness, virus and death are all ones we obviously want our children to know and understand. But not have to listen to numerous times day in day out. Therefore, we now restrict our news gathering regarding COVID19 to online searches and the TV once the children are in bed for the evening.
Ask How They Are
Our children are small, therefore it’s easy to forget that just because they are not showing emotion (anything from a tantrum to giggling their heads off) doesn’t mean they are ok. Again, as our children had a chaotic start to life, they often (although it is getting less and less) mask their emotions. Therefore, it’s important to check in with them and ask how they are doing every now and again.
I think this is important regardless of age, but perhaps more so if they are older and have some independence. They will be missing family, friends, school, clubs, teams etc. They may be craving their normal and periods of social interaction with someone/anyone other than you. That’s not because they don’t love you, it’s because their life has suddenly been put on hold and they are missing it. Possibly even grieving for it.
Do Not Dismiss Their Feelings
If they do tell you that everything isn’t ok. Don’t dismiss it. We have a habit, of wrapping our children up in a blanket and telling them everything is going to be ok. Which I believe is human nature. We don’t want others to be scared, worried or sad, especially as a parent/caregiver. Children need to be protected but not to the detriment of their long-term health. How many times a day do you say to your child(ren), you’ll be ok or don’t worry?
We say it a lot and most of the time they will be ok and they don’t have to worry. But if they are genuinely showing emotions/feelings because of the current situation do not dismiss them. There are numerous resources and services available during this time dedicated to children’s mental wellbeing. However, the main thing we can do is reassure them that this will pass.
Set Aside Quiet Time
We have found setting aside some quiet time a benefit. As we have an early bird and a night owl we find that allocating some quiet time at the beginning and end of each day is the best way to ensure that they are both on the same page. Lockdown has allowed us to have leisurely breakfast and bedtime routines which in reality has benefitted both girls. It gives them time to wake up and wind down naturally.
I hate rushing the kids on school mornings, however a necessity to ensure that we all get to where we need to be on time. Not having to do that has, has reduced all our stress levels. Our eldest is also quite hyper. Therefore we have also introduced a short ‘quiet time’ before all meals to ensure they calm down before sitting at the table to eat. As parents we want to keep the kids entertained all the time, however, we have learned that 5 minutes of downtime every now and again helps them and us refocus.
Carry On As Normal (As Much As You Can)
We have tried to carry on as normal for the children and keep their usual routines in place. We were reminded constantly throughout our adoption training that structure and repetition are something kids thrive on. Therefore, meals are eaten at the same time every day, baths are taken each night and bedtime is the same time each evening. Even Mini ESLT has an afternoon nap at 1 o’clock on the dot, although she is on the verge of dropping them.
We do try to differentiate weekdays from weekends. Especially for Junior ESLT who is obviously missing school and the routine, it adds to her life. Homeschooling is a tough job and something that we are trying our best to do, even when she doesn’t want to engage. We try to make weekends fun for them to ensure that they still have a good time and make memories, with plenty of garden time and play.
As mentioned we are not professionals, these are just some of the ways we provide emotional support to our children which so far (touch wood) seem to be working. We are lucky (although I do not think that’s the right word given the circumstances) that they are young. Especially Mini ESLT who we doubt will ever remember this period of her life. Having your children at home 24/7 is tough, we can attest to that. But we need to be strong for ourselves and even stronger for them to get us all through these crazy times.
“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”
― Helen Keller
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